Ho Ho Ho Halloween

Along with the changing colors of the leaves and the cooling of the weather, October brings one fantastic night of mystery. This one night encourages disguise and...Drunkenness, and allows us to become something other than what we are during the other 364 days of the year. The way I see it, there are four general categories into which Halloween costumes fall. They are as follows: The Slutty, The Humorous, The Stupid and The Downright Impressive.

You know the type of costume that falls under the Slutty Category - it's the kind that the partier has clearly been planning for weeks in order to seduce the opposite sex. Incidentally, this is the most common of all four categories, and is not to be avoided altogether but rather to be done artfully. This category includes all costumes exhibiting visible lingerie or body parts which, under normal circumstances, would not be on display in the chilly Fall weather. Common examples of costumes in this category include, but are not limited to, Playboy Bunnies, Lingerie Models, various interpretations of The Firefighter and The Police Officer, The French Maid and, of course, The Slutty Nurse. Again, this list is not exhaustive.

This brings me to the second category, titled: The Humorous. This is my favorite category, although photographs of previous costumes implicate me, at times, in the previous category... The Humorous Costume is typically donned by the clever, witty male who finds himself unencumbered by social demands to display his sexual wares. Uh-hem. This category includes such clever costumes as A One Night Stand, Spudnick (Friends!), or, in a fascinating combination of slutty and clever, A Freudian Slip. Clearly, this list is not comprehensive and is rather subjective.

The Stupid is one of the most common categories, second only to The Slutty. This is the kind of costume that the partier throws together fifteen minutes before going out in order to be let in through the doors of the club. As The Slutty is most closely aligned with the female, The Stupid is a male's companion. This is the "costume" consisting of an old jersey that a guy has found in the back of his closet, cleverly paired with jeans. Or, one of my personal favorites, a Scream mask that spends most of the night pushed back onto the top of the head so as to ensure easy access to beer. The Stupid Costume is easily and quickly identifiable, and should be shunned for its lack of creativity and forethought.

The fourth and final category is The Downright Impressive Costume. The people in this category are the sort who started planning their costumes shortly after their big success last Halloween. These people are often repeat-impressers, and can be counted on to class-up your party and put your costume to shame. Sadly, this is the least common of all of the costume categories, and yet it is the most exciting variety to sight. Downright Impressive costumes are characterized by an inability to recognize your best friend behind her Cleopatra façade. Examples of this are useless because the details are what move a costume into the Downright Impressive category. Wigs, makeup, body paint and accessories are key in most instances of Downright Impressive. Don't be discouraged if it takes you more than a few Halloweens to reach this category. It is elusive and, like most rarities, something we should all strive for.

Having been everything from a ballerina at six to a gangster at 22, I'm combing the depths of my creativity to cull an idea for this Halloween. The weather here is pushing my thoughts toward: An Eskimo. But, my love for dancing renders that idea ridiculous. So, in my quest to avoid the stupid and artfully combine the slutty with the humorous, all the while striving for the downright impressive, I am left with a blank. I welcome suggestions.